Mental Battles

If you’re new to the blog I must let you know I’m a little batty when it comes to my workouts, well shoot, when it comes to anything. In my head I aspire to be a ROCK STAR in all things I do. In reality I miss the mark daily. I know most of us aspire to be more but SERIOUSLY I want to be a bad ass! And then my mind starts playing tricks on me and I let myself down. I’ll keep dreaming and faking it till I make it. One day I might be the AWESOMENESS I think I am!

Yesterday I was feeling sickly and today although I feel a little better, I still feel crappy. I did get my sorry butt outta bed though and head to the BOOM Box. I figured I’d just have to power through. Clearly I’m not ill enough to be bed ridden but I have this horrid cough and still feel achy. So I really wasn’t sure of how I would perform.

Skill/Strength: 3 RM of Power Clean
I know my 1 RM is 95lbs. And I managed to get 3 at 95lbs without too much struggle. The last rep wasn’t very pretty but I did it. So I moved up to 100lbs and well la de da de I cleaned it! PR BABY! Granted it’s only a 5lb PR but it’s going down in the books. For some I couldn’t get it up for the 2nd rep! I made 2 attempts to do 2 in a row and failed! I know I have the strength, I just don’t know where I start losing confidence in myself to finish it out. I have nothing, no reason to blame anyone but my fear (??). That’s the only thing I can attribute it too… FEAR. I still don’t know where this fear comes from but it creeps in and takes over. In lifts, in box jumps, etc. Well whatever it is, I need to find away to get through it. I suppose time and practice is the only answer. I just wish I were 21 again, maybe then I’d be a little more fearless!

8/14/12 WOD

MetCon: 10, 8, 6, 4, 2 of Power Cleans (50% of 3 RM = 47.5, rounded to 45lbs) and Hand Release Push Ups. I had no idea this would fly by so quickly. Coach said sub 3 minutes and I was like NO WAY, maybe 5 minutes. Ended up being 2:18. Power Cleans with just the bar is not “hard” but it isn’t easy either. Add push ups to the equation and you have yourself a little doozy of a workout. It was me against one of our newer peeps. He’s young, strong and competitive but I beat him by 1 second! Hahahah. It’s the small victories that get me through the day ツ

Europa
I’m taking it easy this week because we do have Europa this Saturday and I don’t want to be spent. I also think that is why we had a short but sweet workout this morning. No need to kill ourselves and render ourselves useless before the big competition. I won’t bore you with every detail about Europa but I’ll kind of summarize it in case you’re interested. This weekend over 130 CrossFit teams from all over will be competing for cash money, YUP CASH MONEY! There are 2 divisions: Elite and Intermediate. The BOOM Box has one team in each division. I am far from ELITE status so we will be competing in the intermediate group. I’m even a few steps below intermediate but I have no choice. I’m in it. I say I’m below because we had already registered before the WODs were released and the first WOD that was released was going to be a pain in the ass… LITERALLY. 4 Person Team WOD of 200 backsquats. We have 5 people on our team … THANK GOODNESS… so I can sit that one out. Each person has to do 50 squats and for the ladies it’s at 135lbs! Well shit my 1RM is 145. I could barely do 5 reps the other day at 115. I’m weaksauce. But our other girl, Mel, is beast and she will kill it. The other 2 WODs involve Curtis P’s, Burpees, Push Ups, Snatch and Running. Hopefully I can go HAM and carry my load. Countdown: 4 days. I’m scared, nervous and excited. The last time I competed was back in October and I think I went to the restroom 7897987 times because I was so nervous. (TMI? Nah) I finished 25th out of 50 registered “beginners”. We’ll see how this one goes.

Body Image Issues
Will it never end? Are we Am I just wired to tear ourselves myself apart and nit pick things we I can not change? Not only am I a headcase when it comes to lifting heavy shit, I’m still a crazy person when it comes to body image. Please know I’ve come a long way.

I don’t weigh myself like a mad woman. I don’t count calories like a crazed scientist and I try to focus on my strengths and not my weaknesses. I eat clean, work hard at the box, but sometimes I just find myself staring in the mirror poking and pulling and thinking HOLY COW I’m never going to be where I would like to be. It’s always going to be a battle I just wish it wasn’t. I wish I could find some peace with myself. But I can not. We are all different, I know this and I know we all have our own issues. But it’s really hard to see past it all and appreciate me for me. It’s hard to forgive myself for letting me get out of control. Whether it being young and dumb or lazy and lazy. I have more days where I don’t fret over it than days that I go crazy bat shit over it. It’s progress but sometimes I feel like I’m back at square one. I just wanted to share that in case you were in the same boat. You’re not alone in it. I’m right there with you. Chin up! Right?!?!?

I’m hoping to get over this CRUD that is trying to make a home inside of me ASAP. I surely don’t want to be hacking up a lung on Saturday. I’ve been drinking lots of hot tea, lots of water, getting rest and eating clean. What else can I do? Ah well. Just pray A LOT that it all clears up quicklike. Have a BOOMIN Tuesday and as always be AWESOME!

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8 thoughts on “Mental Battles

  1. Ah, girl…you always say what I am thinkin’! I know we have both come a long way when it comes to body image. We need to be proud of the progress we have made! We ARE strong women…100#!!!! Totally impressed!!! You are going to rock it on Saturday…there is a reason I always look at your score in the morning, you are a BEAST!

    • I’m glad you and I are in that boat together. You know I try to be positive and work my butt off but sometimes the negativity finds a crack to infiltrate and it’s back to the beginning! Thanks for the encouragement! WE are STRONG WOMEN and we are BAD ASS! Gosh I hope I don’t let the team down on Saturday :/

  2. Oh geez – you have a lot going on here!
    First of all, I hope you feel better by the weekend. There’s a lot of yucky stuff going around right now – it seems like most people I know have been sick lately!
    Congrats on the power clean PR. That’s by far my favorite lift – its awesome you’re moving on up!
    Also, I totally feel you on the body image thing. It seems like a weekly ritual where I compare myself to other people and just wonder why I’m not where I want to be. At least we are making every possible effort to get there, though. And the journey itself is pretty fun. Cheer up! Good luck this weekend if I don’t talk to you before!

    • I do have a lot going on. I’m a hot mess! Power Clean is totally my favorite lift. I actually smile when I see it on the whiteboard for the day. Probably because it’s the only lift I feel half ass good at and that makes me feel strong. I’m glad I can share my journey and read about others like you. It’s nice to know we all have our own crazy. By the way I totally gagged on your last post! But I’m glad you shared it because sometimes it has to be something like that to get us changing our lives! Thanks for staying tuned into my little world and being supportive and inspirational. Also thanks for being so freaking honest and hilarious about your life – I love it!

  3. KT says:

    I hope you feel better and I’m glad to hear you are taking care of yourself, so you can do your best on Saturday!
    We all have our insecruities, so no you are not alone in that department. At the end of the day, God loves you for YOU and you’re a strong and beautiful person inside and out Steph! Hope you’re having a wonderful birthday!!
    -kara

  4. KT says:

    BTW, we still need to get together for a lunch date! I ended up in Grapevine twice on a Saturday and of course you are not up there on the weekends. I’ll let you know when I’ll be up there again next month once things start to pick up again for work.

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