The Scale Does Not Define Me, The Scale Does Not Define Me

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The Scale DOES NOT DEFINE ME! It’s so hard. It really is soooooo hard to look at a scale and not make me turn into a calorie counting, starve myself nutcase. I’ve always had a love/hate relationship with the scale. CrossFit has really helped me drop most of my issues with that silly little contraption, but as with any obsession/addiction it still haunts you every now and then.

A few months ago, I did weigh myself and I was not happy with that weight. I told myself enough is enough. Getting fluffier was not an option. And guess what I got fluffier. I woke up at 5:20 this morning and dragged my fluffy ass to the scale. WHY would I torture myself? I can clearly see and feel that I’m not down to the weight I want to be. I don’t really have a “goal” weight but I know the weight I’m at is too much. But WHY are you weighing yourself cause it’s only gonna make you cry?

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Welp. The WOD for the day was working on Overhead Squats. We had ten 1 rep attempts to get heavy. If we weren’t able to squat our weight we’d have to run 1 mile. Seriously? My last OHS for 1 rep was 90lbs. I didn’t want to weigh at the BOOM Box out of shame and embarrassment. But here I go to the world – My weight is 168lbs. Yup. I did it. I shared it with the world. I’m 5’2 folks! I’m short. I’m chunky. The upside is that more mass moves more weight (at least that’s what I keep telling myself and the scale does not define me). It’s bittersweet. A year ago I weighed around 135lbs. I’d much rather be at that weight right now. But I am not. I’d also like to be running an 8 minute mile again. But I am not.

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So what’s a confused girl supposed to do? Starve herself. Start counting calories? Do triple workouts? UGH. This girl just wants to hide. But I can’t. If I were 300lbs I might qualify for Extreme Weight Loss. Chris Powell would help me find out why I turn to food for comfort. But I don’t have that much to lose and I don’t really turn to food for comfort. I just think it’s tasty! And I’m addicted to sweet tea. I think CLEAN food is tasty too. I have no problem eating clean, I just have a problem cutting out all the bad stuff. I always let it slip in and it’s mostly on the weekends that I sabotage myself. So just QUIT doing it, right? Well that’s the plan for this MOMENT in time. I just hope that come Friday, Saturday and Sunday I do just that. Sigh.

8/21/13 WOD

8/21/13 WOD

Enough poor me talk. I’m still alive. I’m still relatively healthy. And I’m still showing up to the BOOM Box even when I don’t wanna! So you already know it was all about the OHS squats. After a crazy, exhausting warm up. I was ready to just call it a day or start my run, because I knew I wasn’t squatting 168lbs. I KNOW that! Needless to say we still had to do the rep scheme. 1,1,1,1,1,1,1,1,1,1. 90lbs is my previously recorded OHS. I’m not sure when that happened but sometime before Feb 2013 and sometime after Sept 2012. Overhead Squats used to be my nemesis.

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With time, they are more of my friend. My wrists aren’t so puny anymore and although any large amount of OHS work will still cause some pain and havoc, I am much better. Knowing that I’m heavier, I know that I will be able to move more weight. I just wasn’t sure how MUCH more weight. So I set myself up for my 1RM of 90lbs to be my 5th attempt. Just in case I wasn’t that much stronger! Looking back, I wish I had made that my 2nd or 3rd attempt. I also wish we had more time to get the 10 reps in. I only made it to my 9th attempt before time ran out. If I didn’t have a J-O-B to get to, I would have definitely tried for the 10th attempt. But nooo I had to run that mile. So anyways, when going for a heavy 1 rep, one does not simply just make big jumps in weight. There’s a process… mental and physical. But sometimes that process needs to be pushed aside. Should have, would have, could have … I know. I just wished I had gone bigger. I had my 10th attempt set for 115lbs. Time was up at the 9th attempt. So I jumped right in and did 115 like it was a piece of cake! UGH I wish I had more time. I’m thinking at least 130, AT LEAST! None the less, I will take a 25lb PR. Grant, if you’re reading this I finally rang the PR bell. I know I’ve been resistant to ringing it but I felt good with the OHS PR.

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As far as the run goes. My worst 1 mile EVER in the history of me running miles. 13:08. 2 years ago my 1 mile was 8:08. How am I getting so much worse. 2 1/2 years ago at my worst physical shape I managed an 11:40 something mile. So ya, my dread for running has to change. I’m not happy with the poor running so I HAVE to work on it so I can at least find some peace of mind in how fast I can run a mile. I’m not striving for a sub 6min time but getting back the 8’s would be helpful.

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So LEAN out, RUN faster and figure out Pull Ups. That’s all right? Shoot me now. Hopefully the leaning out will boost the other two goals. Hopefully! Well it’s HUMP Day and I’m not happier than a camel, but I’ll manage! The scale does not define me. Make it a good day and remember to be AWESOME in all you do.

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Get UP and Get it DONE

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In all my boo-hooing, up and down roller coaster of a fitness journey, the fact of the matter is that 95% of the time, maybe more, I SHOW UP. I do the work. I strive for better. I’m proud of myself for doing just that. I’m not perfect and it’s hard to NOT want to be perfect when it seems like so many other people out there have it figured out. They probably don’t, but it appears that way to me and I’m so far off the mark and sometimes I let that get to me. I’m learning not to do that but it’s hard.

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I’m just a small fleck in the fitness universe. A pixel in the blogosphere and just a mere mortal to all others. I have no superpowers or special skills. I’m a 35 year old woman. A mom who isn’t sure she always does the right things for her kids but does her best to make it work. A girl, yes, there is a uncertain little girl in me that wants the world but is scared. Scared of what, she’s not sure but the fear is there. But in the end, I’m a person who is just trying to live healthy. To be strong – physically and emotionally.

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To be someone my kids can look up to. To be an inspiration to others who want the same things. And I hope that when it’s all said and done, all you folks that do follow along get that. That you all truly understand this is my small space in the world for me to cry, rant, rave, laugh, goof off, do whatever. I’m not the next CrossFit Games Athlete. I’m not your next fitness superstar. Just a girl!

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Today this girl (slightly inspired by Biggest Loser) has decided to push through, to get the work done and just be the best I can in each moment that I can. Will I always be that? HELL NO. It’s hard as hell. It’s so much easier to be half ass. It’s easy to just not put the effort but I’m gonna try so much harder than I ever tried before.

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I think that with that mindset it helped me get through the BOOM Box this morning. Cause guess what? It was the BOOM BOX’s FILTHY FIFTY and it was downright dirty. I’ve never participated in this and it’s been over a year since I started CrossFit-ing. Here we go!

50 Box Jumps
50 Jumping pull-ups
50 Kettlebell swings, 1 pood
Walking Lunge, 50 steps
50 Knees to elbows
50 Push press, 45/35#
50 Hip extensions with green band
50 Wall ball shots, 20/14#
50 Burpees
50 Double Unders

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So I somehow hit snooze twice, ALMOST didn’t get up. But on the third time my alarm went off, had no idea! I see the clock and go OH SHIT. I’m LATE! It’s 4:47. Uh I need to be leaving at that time. Not just now brushing my teeth! UGH. I didn’t even know the WOD. Double UGH when I saw it. Go BACK TO BED STEPHANIE! Find your happy place. SLEEP! No, Get dressed and go. You’ll be late but go. And that I was, but only like 5 minutes late. I was GONE and in a hurry. I still had plenty of time to warm up and I was wide awake by then. We went over all the movements and set up our areas. It was go time and it was better attitude time and it was don’t worry about the work ahead just knock out the reps.

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Box Jumps kind of hurt this morning. It was cold and all of a sudden I didn’t feel warmed up but it didn’t take long. I really struggled with the first 15 though. After that I just knocked them out in sets of 5. I really didn’t have negative self talk or poor expectations. Surprisingly I don’t think I’ve ever done Jumping Pull Ups either so i had nothing to reference. Those weren’t so bad. I busted out 10, then 5, then random numbers but always more than 5. Done! Kettlebell swings – overhead. I was a little tired and the KB was a little cold. I typically can do this unbroken but today not so much. I did 15, 10, 5, 5, 10. I wasn’t happy with that but it happened that way. Walking Lunges is where I thought I would fall apart. My hips were burning around 30 lunges in. And negative self talk started creeping in because I knew Wall Balls were coming up and coming soon! UGH.

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Thankfully Knees to Elbows, which in my case was just get Knees UP took my focus off the Wall Balls. I was actually looking forward to the Push Press and knocked out 30 and then realized this is burning. I put the bar down, rested for like 10 seconds then did 10 more, rested again, then finished. We only have one GHD so we did hip extensions with a band. You step on the band, put head through band and up and down you go like a Good Morning without the bar. This was a great relief and a warm up for those Wall Balls! YIKES! I started off Wall Balls really slow. Someone asked about burpees and I was all “say what??? did I skip that, what burpees. I completely forgot about burpees but I didn’t skip them. They were just NEXT. I just thought I’ll end it all here with Wall Balls, I won’t finish! I wasn’t getting a good rhythm either but once I did, I just took them 5 at a time. I felt like much less cry baby once I got through them and even though I was slow I was still in a good place mentally. I’m almost done. Burpees up next. Burpees party of 50! They just have to get done. UP, down, UP, down and on and on and on. Will it ever end? YES YES the end is near. 50 DUs and it’s all over. I got 30 out of the way before my forearms and shoulders gave out. Then I got 9, then 11. TIME: 31:53 GOOD? BAD? NO CLUE. But after I regained my composure I felt good about the whole WOD in general. I kept thinking I could have done this better or faster but in the end that was a hell of a lotta reps so I’m good. If I was better at Knees to Elbows I might have had an RX by my name but that’s for another day I suppose.

Wooo, we made it to Wednesday! And it’s almost March. WOW! I’m just looking forward to that time change. I need my sunshine in the evenings! And I need warm weather. So let’s hurry up on that. As always have a beautiful day and BE SUPER AWESOME because I said so!

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