Want to, desire, dreams, etc. It all boils down to what makes you tick. What are your goals and what are you doing to make them come to fruition. I’m a lot of talk I know with a mixed bag of happy and negative. I do put in work thought. I do know I tend to come across negative all the time on this here blog but I can tell you I’m not always negative. I’ve gone through all of this before in some form or fashion too but I figure it doesn’t hurt to talk about it again. I have 3 boys that I’ve put my life into. And what kind of men will they grow up to be if I was always raining on their parade. Truth is I have a great life. My world is complete. I don’t really need a pull up to have a happier life. I don’t really need to squat 200+ pounds but I want to! I really want to. How bad do I want it though is another question. Not bad enough to work on that stuff for hours daily. Clearly I show up to the Boom Box almost everyday and clearly I have made progress but I’m not winning the CrossFit games because I finally got a pull up. I don’t have the time, drive or want to actually focus on a goal that big. My goal is to be fit and healthy. GOAL ACHIEVED.

The rest of it is me nitpicking myself. The shoulda, coulda, wouldas in life. For me it’s always been 8000 of those little vain thoughts that plague me regularly. (stretch marks, jiggle, cellulite) They bring/brought me down. The didn’t allow me to love me for me sometimes. It was so bad I used to let those things hold me back from wanting to work out in public. I think maybe because once I was lean and fit and naive to body image. Then I became a much larger me. I was never so obese that I gave up, but I definitely got heavy and have never been comfortable with myself since.

I’ve worked on my mental side a lot and I’m a different person now in a lot of ways. I don’t obsess over the scale anymore. I’m not trying to revert back to the young, skinny me either. I’ve come a long way letting those things go but I’m starting to think they will always be there in some form or fashion, because I sure would like to feel comfortable in a swim suit. I doubt I ever will. And no I’m not searching for the YOU LOOK GREAT surface compliments cause I do KNOW what I look like. I’m not hiding behind something only to be all “hey I LIED look at me.” I’m just letting y’all know I’m still haunted by body image but at the end of the day I am living healthier than ever. I’m stronger than ever. And I’m hopefully teaching my boys to live that way the best they can.

And currently I mostly just want to put in the work at CrossFit (even if I still suck at it), eat healthy and laugh a lot! Cause laughing is good for everyone. Go ahead make someone laugh. Watch some funny stuff on the youtubes. Enjoy life.

With that said. It was hard for me to enjoy life this morning. The workout was not my favorite. I could have slept in. It was pouring rain. It was cold. And it was Muscle Ups… aka PULL UPs for those of us who don’t have MUs. Thrusters. Bleh and Toes To Bar! Go back to bed!

But nooooo…. I knew if I slept in on my weaknesses then how the hell am I going to get any better. So I dragged in. The best part of the morning was Deadlift work! Woooo.

Skill/Strength: 3, 3, 3+ @ 70%, 80% and 90% of our 1RM. For me it was 150lbs, 170lbs, and 195lbs. My hands are weak, my grip is crap. I don’t know why I have such a low tolerance to pain in my hands. Needless to say I did fine working up to my last set. And 195lbs is not longer HARD. But holy heckola it hurts my hands. I’m confident I could do more reps but my hands are cringing in pain. I hold on for 6 reps. I was hoping for 4 so I felt A-OK!

MetCon: 3 rounds of 3 Muscle Ups, 8 Thrusters (115lbs/75lbs) and 13 TTB. For me it was 9 Pullups instead of MUs. Ugh. I have the lonely green band set up because that’s my progress. And for a second I thought I only had to do 3 reps. It’s on the board 3 reps. Then realized oh shit, I must do 9! I did sets of 3 and my first two sets were great. My last set I struggled. I got to the barbell for Thrusters and pretty much wanted to quit. I did ONE and dropped the bar. Still not sure why but I did. Then I did 3, dropped the bar and did 4 before moving on. I KNEW I could do TTB so I approached them like I did for the Open. Get up there, get it done, drop. Get right back up, get it done, drop and so forth. It worked. Although 13 drops is not fun. And then it was back to Pull Ups for round 2. Coach had already pulled the blue band for me and set it up because my last 3 Pull Ups were horrible but I OPTED to go for green only! Look at me! Who knew I would make that decision. I was going along and got 3, then I had that crunchy pain feeling. My right hand was ripping.

I changed my hand position a little to salvage it the best I could and fought through. Onto Thrusters and this time I was going to go unbroken. At least I told myself that and it worked! Round 2 of Thrusters = Success. But now it was time to get on the bar again for TTB. And I chugged along one at a time. Then the left hand started to rip. And now I was just hurting. But I still had one more round of Pull Ups. I went for green band only AGAIN but could only muster 1 Pull Up with my hands falling apart. So I took a pause and got that blue band in the mix. It was much easier but my hands were hurting. Got to Thrusters and oh I didn’t want to drop the bar but I did after 3 reps. Dang it! Picked it back up and knocked out the last 5. Oh how I was dreading TTB. My hands were not happy. And I managed to knock out 10 in what seemed like good time. It was the last three that took me over 3 minutes to accomplish. I coudn’t help but focus on my wounded palms. I got a lot of NO REPS because I have a dumb left foot that doesn’t want to touch the bar! But finally after 20+ grueling minutes I finished. Done son. Can I go back to bed? Time: 21:33.

I’m tired and achy and my hands hurt. We’ll see what tomorrow brings. But this gloomy cold weather has got to go. I’m in TEXAS, it should be blistering hot already. I’m trying to overcome my Eeyore syndrome but today it is hard. I’m looking for the AWESOME I promise. So go be AWESOME yourself and LAUGH!