The Scale DOES NOT DEFINE ME! It’s so hard. It really is soooooo hard to look at a scale and not make me turn into a calorie counting, starve myself nutcase. I’ve always had a love/hate relationship with the scale. CrossFit has really helped me drop most of my issues with that silly little contraption, but as with any obsession/addiction it still haunts you every now and then.
A few months ago, I did weigh myself and I was not happy with that weight. I told myself enough is enough. Getting fluffier was not an option. And guess what I got fluffier. I woke up at 5:20 this morning and dragged my fluffy ass to the scale. WHY would I torture myself? I can clearly see and feel that I’m not down to the weight I want to be. I don’t really have a “goal” weight but I know the weight I’m at is too much. But WHY are you weighing yourself cause it’s only gonna make you cry?
Welp. The WOD for the day was working on Overhead Squats. We had ten 1 rep attempts to get heavy. If we weren’t able to squat our weight we’d have to run 1 mile. Seriously? My last OHS for 1 rep was 90lbs. I didn’t want to weigh at the BOOM Box out of shame and embarrassment. But here I go to the world – My weight is 168lbs. Yup. I did it. I shared it with the world. I’m 5’2 folks! I’m short. I’m chunky. The upside is that more mass moves more weight (at least that’s what I keep telling myself and the scale does not define me). It’s bittersweet. A year ago I weighed around 135lbs. I’d much rather be at that weight right now. But I am not. I’d also like to be running an 8 minute mile again. But I am not.
So what’s a confused girl supposed to do? Starve herself. Start counting calories? Do triple workouts? UGH. This girl just wants to hide. But I can’t. If I were 300lbs I might qualify for Extreme Weight Loss. Chris Powell would help me find out why I turn to food for comfort. But I don’t have that much to lose and I don’t really turn to food for comfort. I just think it’s tasty! And I’m addicted to sweet tea. I think CLEAN food is tasty too. I have no problem eating clean, I just have a problem cutting out all the bad stuff. I always let it slip in and it’s mostly on the weekends that I sabotage myself. So just QUIT doing it, right? Well that’s the plan for this MOMENT in time. I just hope that come Friday, Saturday and Sunday I do just that. Sigh.
8/21/13 WOD
Enough poor me talk. I’m still alive. I’m still relatively healthy. And I’m still showing up to the BOOM Box even when I don’t wanna! So you already know it was all about the OHS squats. After a crazy, exhausting warm up. I was ready to just call it a day or start my run, because I knew I wasn’t squatting 168lbs. I KNOW that! Needless to say we still had to do the rep scheme. 1,1,1,1,1,1,1,1,1,1. 90lbs is my previously recorded OHS. I’m not sure when that happened but sometime before Feb 2013 and sometime after Sept 2012. Overhead Squats used to be my nemesis.
With time, they are more of my friend. My wrists aren’t so puny anymore and although any large amount of OHS work will still cause some pain and havoc, I am much better. Knowing that I’m heavier, I know that I will be able to move more weight. I just wasn’t sure how MUCH more weight. So I set myself up for my 1RM of 90lbs to be my 5th attempt. Just in case I wasn’t that much stronger! Looking back, I wish I had made that my 2nd or 3rd attempt. I also wish we had more time to get the 10 reps in. I only made it to my 9th attempt before time ran out. If I didn’t have a J-O-B to get to, I would have definitely tried for the 10th attempt. But nooo I had to run that mile. So anyways, when going for a heavy 1 rep, one does not simply just make big jumps in weight. There’s a process… mental and physical. But sometimes that process needs to be pushed aside. Should have, would have, could have … I know. I just wished I had gone bigger. I had my 10th attempt set for 115lbs. Time was up at the 9th attempt. So I jumped right in and did 115 like it was a piece of cake! UGH I wish I had more time. I’m thinking at least 130, AT LEAST! None the less, I will take a 25lb PR. Grant, if you’re reading this I finally rang the PR bell. I know I’ve been resistant to ringing it but I felt good with the OHS PR.
As far as the run goes. My worst 1 mile EVER in the history of me running miles. 13:08. 2 years ago my 1 mile was 8:08. How am I getting so much worse. 2 1/2 years ago at my worst physical shape I managed an 11:40 something mile. So ya, my dread for running has to change. I’m not happy with the poor running so I HAVE to work on it so I can at least find some peace of mind in how fast I can run a mile. I’m not striving for a sub 6min time but getting back the 8’s would be helpful.
So LEAN out, RUN faster and figure out Pull Ups. That’s all right? Shoot me now. Hopefully the leaning out will boost the other two goals. Hopefully! Well it’s HUMP Day and I’m not happier than a camel, but I’ll manage! The scale does not define me. Make it a good day and remember to be AWESOME in all you do.
idrankthecfkoolaid 
Aww Steph.. you’ll get it figured out! 🙂
You KNOW what you have to do; that’s so much further than many other people! You are surrounded by an awesome support system, and fluffy or not, we all still love ya! 😉
AND.. I hate the scale idea. Focus on your lifts and that mile time and all that; screw the number. Unless it’s to figure out how close to BW you are doing on lifts 😉
I know I will get it figured out and mentally I was pretty OK up till now, until I hopped on that scale this morning. And I do know the scale doesn’t measure my performance. I do know my clothes are getting too snug! And weighing for real purposes, just hit me on the head with HOLY SHIT I shouldn’t be this heavy.
Thanks for being part of my support system 🙂 You amaze me in so many ways. You’re pure determination and hard work is very motivating.
Thanks, girl 🙂 Now if only my lifts/endurance matched the determination everyone sees.. 😉
The lifts will come! Get fluffy and they will come FASTER! LOL. kidding, don’t get fluffy. But they will come, I promise. And as far as I see, you are making good gains in the lifts as it is and you kill endurance. Maybe not elite marathon runner status but you’re moving up, getting BETTER!
Thanks, Steph! I can’t say I’m not trying! 🙂
I know you are trying! You are intense!
The scale is stupid. Seriously…stupid. I’ll tell you what, I weighed 160 4 months ago when I started Crossfit, I weigh 161 currently. COULD.CARE.LESS….because my lifts are stronger, my body feels better, and I’m just all around more awesome-er. Lol. Seriously…set those goals…but throw that scale out…do it now!
Yes it’s so stupid! And I’ve been so good about not even using it or thinking about it. I wasn’t at the CouldCareLess stage but I was pretty close. And like you say…. stronger, feeling better and awesome-er. But it all came crashing back once I did weigh
Sigh. Just a bump in the road for now.
For the record, I’m sick so I’m totally having a pity party day for myself too. I realized today that I turn 30 in two months, and had a moment of thinking about all the weightloss goals I had set for myself leading up to that milestone… and how I haven’t hit a one of them.
Like you, I know how unhealthy my obsession with the number on the scale can be, but after almost 30 years of conditioning the way I feel about myself to be directly related to whether or not that number went up or down, it’s always a challenge to see past it.
So really, I have no advice. The only thing I have is that you’re not alone. Sometimes, that helps me.
And with all that… WHOOP WHOOP 25 lbs PR! Freaking sweet!
I think I could win at PITY PARTIES! I’m great at those 🙂 I know this isn’t the end of the world but that damn number sure does piss me off. Seriously! It’s sad that it’s something that too many women can relate too. At what point as a society did we determine that a scale for weighing ourselves was important? Heheh.
And HELL YES WHOOP WHOOP 25lbs! I had more left in the tank. I want so badly to go for more. But I’ll save that for another day.
Hey more left means another PR in the coming weeks! They always inspire me, so somtimes it’s nice to have more than one in a row.
I’ve only been doing Crossfit for a year, but I feel like they’re getting really few and far between.
You’re at what, like 2.5 years? I bet they become even more rare at that point.
Either way, GO GIRL!
Yes PRs are always fun. I’ve been CrossFitting now for right at 2 years and PRs for me are just plain funny. On days I expect to dominate at something, I will struggle with my 1RM. And sometimes it’s only a 5lb increase and everyone else seems to be getting 20+. For months, I was just stuck at everything. My deadlift took forever to get past 185lbs. But it didn’t take long to get to 225lbs once I got past the 185.
I’m random like that and I just take them when I get them. In the past month I’ve PRd my front squat, my OHS and my snatch. Hopefully I don’t slow down anytime soon 🙂
Steph! I hate to see you bummed about your weight. You are so stinking strong, you put in the work at the box, you manage your family as an amazing mom… Who cares how fast your mile is or how much you weigh. We started our fitness journeys around the same time and we are still both on a journey. I still think you are awesome and your constant dedication amazes me.
Awwww, thanks Martha! It’s just one of those days where it got to me ya know? I know deep down I’m made of pure awesomeness… lol. Jokes, jokes!
But today was just like OH CRAP. I’m fluffy!
Can you believe our journeys started from what seems like FOREVER AGO? Wow. And there is still so much to be learned in all aspects of fitness and life in general!
I have those fluffy days too. Honestly I am amazed at how long we both stuck with it. It’s so funny though you think you have everything figured out just to wake up one day and feel completely clueless. Oh well, keep on trucking and get those PRs!
Great PR. I love those things.
Keep up the good work.
And forgive yourself your “sins” of fluffiness. There is no failure; there are only goals not yet reached. As long as you don’t quit, you are winning.
I am growing fond of OHS and I feel more accomplished because it is a more skilled lift.
And yes I’m still chugging along so that’s better than not chugging at all. I just need to look at it more positively 🙂
Great work on the massive PR! I know it’s hard but you have to focus on that sort of thing rather than what the scale says. You’re not alone in feeling down sometimes but you are doing so damn awesome and every time I read your blog I’m inspired 🙂 keep your chin up and throw those damn scales in the trash. You don’t need them!
Thanks! I think I’ve done pretty good with my scale and image issues, at least for most of the time 😀 But they do sneak up on you out of the blue. It definitely helps when I get bigger PRs too. Just reinforces that putting in the work, WORKS!
Girl, I am so with you on ALL of this… it is so easy to get bogged down by body image and numbers, and just totally kill yourself mentally
but HOLY CRAP OHS!!! That’s insane and I am in awe of you.
Keep at it; running will get easier. I still hate running and I coach it 3-4 times a week. BLECH. haha
Hahah I thought you loved running!?!? I think my super dislike for it makes me worse. I’m trying to have a better outlook on running but it’s hard! And yes I was pretty stoked on 115 OHS!
Nope, just a good actor 😉 I’ve still yet to experience any kind of runners high and groan with everyone else at WODs with running.
I fully believe the runners high is a myth!!!!
haha I’m beginning to think so…