The Scale DOES NOT DEFINE ME! It’s so hard. It really is soooooo hard to look at a scale and not make me turn into a calorie counting, starve myself nutcase. I’ve always had a love/hate relationship with the scale. CrossFit has really helped me drop most of my issues with that silly little contraption, but as with any obsession/addiction it still haunts you every now and then.
A few months ago, I did weigh myself and I was not happy with that weight. I told myself enough is enough. Getting fluffier was not an option. And guess what I got fluffier. I woke up at 5:20 this morning and dragged my fluffy ass to the scale. WHY would I torture myself? I can clearly see and feel that I’m not down to the weight I want to be. I don’t really have a “goal” weight but I know the weight I’m at is too much. But WHY are you weighing yourself cause it’s only gonna make you cry?
Welp. The WOD for the day was working on Overhead Squats. We had ten 1 rep attempts to get heavy. If we weren’t able to squat our weight we’d have to run 1 mile. Seriously? My last OHS for 1 rep was 90lbs. I didn’t want to weigh at the BOOM Box out of shame and embarrassment. But here I go to the world – My weight is 168lbs. Yup. I did it. I shared it with the world. I’m 5’2 folks! I’m short. I’m chunky. The upside is that more mass moves more weight (at least that’s what I keep telling myself and the scale does not define me). It’s bittersweet. A year ago I weighed around 135lbs. I’d much rather be at that weight right now. But I am not. I’d also like to be running an 8 minute mile again. But I am not.
So what’s a confused girl supposed to do? Starve herself. Start counting calories? Do triple workouts? UGH. This girl just wants to hide. But I can’t. If I were 300lbs I might qualify for Extreme Weight Loss. Chris Powell would help me find out why I turn to food for comfort. But I don’t have that much to lose and I don’t really turn to food for comfort. I just think it’s tasty! And I’m addicted to sweet tea. I think CLEAN food is tasty too. I have no problem eating clean, I just have a problem cutting out all the bad stuff. I always let it slip in and it’s mostly on the weekends that I sabotage myself. So just QUIT doing it, right? Well that’s the plan for this MOMENT in time. I just hope that come Friday, Saturday and Sunday I do just that. Sigh.
Enough poor me talk. I’m still alive. I’m still relatively healthy. And I’m still showing up to the BOOM Box even when I don’t wanna! So you already know it was all about the OHS squats. After a crazy, exhausting warm up. I was ready to just call it a day or start my run, because I knew I wasn’t squatting 168lbs. I KNOW that! Needless to say we still had to do the rep scheme. 1,1,1,1,1,1,1,1,1,1. 90lbs is my previously recorded OHS. I’m not sure when that happened but sometime before Feb 2013 and sometime after Sept 2012. Overhead Squats used to be my nemesis.
With time, they are more of my friend. My wrists aren’t so puny anymore and although any large amount of OHS work will still cause some pain and havoc, I am much better. Knowing that I’m heavier, I know that I will be able to move more weight. I just wasn’t sure how MUCH more weight. So I set myself up for my 1RM of 90lbs to be my 5th attempt. Just in case I wasn’t that much stronger! Looking back, I wish I had made that my 2nd or 3rd attempt. I also wish we had more time to get the 10 reps in. I only made it to my 9th attempt before time ran out. If I didn’t have a J-O-B to get to, I would have definitely tried for the 10th attempt. But nooo I had to run that mile. So anyways, when going for a heavy 1 rep, one does not simply just make big jumps in weight. There’s a process… mental and physical. But sometimes that process needs to be pushed aside. Should have, would have, could have … I know. I just wished I had gone bigger. I had my 10th attempt set for 115lbs. Time was up at the 9th attempt. So I jumped right in and did 115 like it was a piece of cake! UGH I wish I had more time. I’m thinking at least 130, AT LEAST! None the less, I will take a 25lb PR. Grant, if you’re reading this I finally rang the PR bell. I know I’ve been resistant to ringing it but I felt good with the OHS PR.
As far as the run goes. My worst 1 mile EVER in the history of me running miles. 13:08. 2 years ago my 1 mile was 8:08. How am I getting so much worse. 2 1/2 years ago at my worst physical shape I managed an 11:40 something mile. So ya, my dread for running has to change. I’m not happy with the poor running so I HAVE to work on it so I can at least find some peace of mind in how fast I can run a mile. I’m not striving for a sub 6min time but getting back the 8’s would be helpful.
So LEAN out, RUN faster and figure out Pull Ups. That’s all right? Shoot me now. Hopefully the leaning out will boost the other two goals. Hopefully! Well it’s HUMP Day and I’m not happier than a camel, but I’ll manage! The scale does not define me. Make it a good day and remember to be AWESOME in all you do.